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The “Why Me” Moment

October 30, 2010

Well, whatever it is, it’s working.

A few days ago, I set an intention that I would stop being a hero, and finally release some pent-up emotions over this diabetes thing. And lo, the ice is breaking. Here comes the flood.

For example. Yesterday I was having a routine phone chat with my best friend when, out of nowhere, I started bawling. “I have diabeeeeeeetes,” I sobbed, “and I feel so aloooooone.” Thank gawd for good friends who catch us right when we need them most.

Perhaps the immensity of what I have had to absorb, and all the new ways I’ve had to learn to think, has simply caught up with me. I feel so weighed down by it all.

(I call this emotion: Loneliness.)

Next. I’ve been having glimmers of a particular, odd feeling: it’s a little voice chiming in when I’m doing routine blood checks, or booking appointments, or calculating whether I can afford to have a nibble of a bagel. “You haven’t always thought about your blood glucose,” says the voice. “You used to be able to eat an apple without having to count its carbs and match insulin to it,” continues the voice. Remember when you were planning to move to the states, all carefree, with nothing but basic Blue Cross emergency insurance?” the voice goes on. “Fat chance now sister.”

The voice has a point. When did it suddenly become normal to be a diabetic? When did this suddenly become my identity? When did I accept this?

When did I ever get the chance to privately bid Healthy-Pancreas Sarah adieu, and soberly accept Insulin-Dependent-Diabetic Sarah’s hand in matrimony? Somewhere between being tied town to an ER bed with 4 catheters in my arm, and my first lesson in the ER in how to administer an insulin shot? Or between being discharged from the hospital, and learning to manipulate my glucose monitor and figuring out how to avoid going hypoglycemic? It never happened.

And I am tired of feeling like it’s normal that I live with this. I miss life before diabetes. And it’s so terribly sad that diabetes is here to stay. After all these months of being so level-headed and responsible about my illness, I’m finally considering the injustice of it all. WHY ME???

(I call this emotion: anger.)

Pause.

Did I just say, “Why me?!?!” Was that me saying those words?!?! Could this be Sarah, actually expressing normal healthy reactions to a shitty diagnosis? Is this Sarah, recovering from the shock of it all to actually touch on some feelings about it? Is this Sarah, not being the Superhero of the Endo Clinic and everyone’s proud little insulator and just being pissed off that she has a stupid shitty disease that she doesn’t deserve?

This feels really positive. I’m in the thick right now of some hard-core emotional housekeeping in regards to my D, and it may be a bit of a roller coaster for the weeks to come. That’s what a Year One is for.

I just hope I don’t go all Textbook and start letting my sugars go haywire cuz I’m “angry and don’t care.” I never want to stop caring about my glucose levels. But I also want to care about other things besides glucose levels. And I will, right? I will become Sarah again, not just Sarah the Diabetic. Although I will always be, and proudly, Sarah the Diabetic. Which feels…neither good or bad, but accurate.

And I call that emotion: Acceptance.

This is an ep from my new favorite youtube show: Taking Control of Your Diabetes, with Dr. Steve Edelmen in San Diego.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Kat permalink
    November 2, 2010 4:48 pm

    Thank you for sharing this, Sarah!
    Thinking of you…

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